You Tear Me Down Like An Animal
by x-backtoblack-x
Summary: You just have to learn to be willing to take a leap into the unknown, I won't always be there to catch you… but I am now if you're willing to jump. Beca had fallen and fallen hard, but would Chloe ever actually be willing to do the same?


_Looking for a girl that was here but now she's gone,  
__Felt so good even though she did me wrong,  
__She knows what I want but she's bad for me,  
__She gets what she wants when she's touching me,  
__I shoulda known better but she took my self-control…_

I've never really been this kind of person before. I've never had a silly crush on a guy, not even in high school or middle school, which is when the whole silly crushing on people you like thing is meant to kick on… or so I hear. Never happened for me so I figured it might just never happen. Though in saying that I never exactly went through the whole "I'm going to die alone" phase either because I always somehow managed to have a boy following me around, either impressed by my piercings or turned on by my total disinterest in them – though if it was the latter that attracted them it never lasted long when they came to realize it wasn't an act on my part.

It wasn't until I finally made it to college – not entirely of my own free will mind you – that I realized what it was like to have one of these silly crushes, being pretty bummed out to discover that it wasn't half as romantic and cool as just about every book targeted at young teenage girls makes it out to be – though for the record I never read that crap.

Chloe Beale was… an enigma to me. I don't know why either, because for all intents and purposes she is the complete dictionary definition of opposite to me. She was like a little parcel of joy that really should have irritated me to no ends, yet somehow she didn't. Somehow in spite of her enthusiasm for singing that even though I share I should find annoying because she's so vocal about it and in spite of her constant smile that contrasted my frown and her bright and cheery wardrobe choices that made mine look blacker than usual, I was still drawn to her in a way I can't describe.

It was a way I thought she shared too. It began casually, and me being me, and kind of oblivious to the entire world around me, I didn't notice at first… Though Chloe could be wonderfully obvious in a brilliantly subtle way when she wanted to. It was simple at first, long piercing stares that made me blush and scuff my foot like I'd watched girls do so many times in middle school, rolling my eyes in mourning for a movement once known as feminism. It progressed fairly quickly though, Chloe never being one to beat around the bush – well there was a certain bush… actually no never mind – and pretty soon we were hanging out after practice and she was giving me back rubs after a long day of classes when we were back in my room and we were lying in bed watching movies, arms wrapped around one another like we were one another's lifelines.

Yea, it was weird, but something about it felt right. It was like all those moments behind closed doors, without the prying eyes of the Bella's or anyone else that may judge or not understand just felt right to me. The way we could lie together for hours, not talking, just being together, like one another's presence was enough.

That's what brings me up to the present actually – well a brief summary of what got me here anyway. We were lying in bed again, mine this time, only with a twist. We were naked, very, very naked and very sweaty from the sex we'd just had. It had just happened really. It had been something in her eyes when she came into the room that I couldn't quite place, though I knew it wasn't the usual happiness and enthusiasm that I was used to seeing, so I'd followed her to my bed and grabbed her hands asking what was wrong – because yea, I'd grown to a place with her where I was actually able to initiate physical contact sometimes – and then she just kissed me. Like it was the most simple thing in the world she'd just planted her lips on me and even though in my head I'd prepared for the moment – because that's what you do when you have a crush – I wasn't ready. Not at all, and I knew if it ever happened again I'd still not be ready, because oh my god the girl could kiss.

"Wow." I whispered, my words getting lost somewhere in her skin as I lay on her chest.

"That's one way of putting it." She replied, laughing softly causing my head to bounce and creating the sweetest noise I'd ever heard.

"What does this mean?" I asked then, excited and curious to find out where this was going from now, already having a fair idea of our first date – because for some reason I was being a loser like that.

Instead of the enthusiastic answer I'd expected there was silence. A tense silence. An awkward one. I wasn't sure why but I knew it wasn't a good one; not the kind of silence that had happiness at the end of it. So I held my breath, and hopped for the best.

"Nothing…" Chloe whispered after a moment, and I could hear it in her voice even though she tried to keep it steady and emotionless, I could hear the distinct edge of pain that scared me.

"You don't mean that." I replied, never looking up from my spot against her collarbone, though I did hold on tighter around her waist, as if tethering myself to her would change her mind.

"You don't know that." She whispered, but I could tell from the way she spoke, and the way she made no move to get away from me that I was right.

"Yes I do Chloe." I replied; my own voice seeming smaller than it should. "You're lying to me and I don't know why."

"I…" Chloe started, though she fell short for a while before she managed to pick herself up again. "This can't happen." She whispered eventually, and I felt a breath hitch in my throat. "I can't be this person, I just can't. I can't be gay. I can't do this. I can't…. I can't be this person for you. I can't be the girlfriend figure to you Beca because it's not who I am. I'm not brave enough to take this step, and don't even consider rattling off crap about how you'll always be there for me because you won't. You won't because I'm never going to be brave enough for this and you're going to get sick of me and leave. So I'm telling you now, before any of that happens, don't even try because this was a one-time thing and I can't be gay." She concluded, unaware at what her words had just done to me.

I let her leave then. Not right away, but eventually and I never said a word. I never said a word the next time it happened either, a week later when she came over, later this time and with the same distant look on her face. Again we had sex, always fast and over quickly, but never with much kissing or intimate touches. I never said a thing. Never let her know what it done to me, how it tore me apart, because my god I was Beca Mitchell, I was resident bad ass, I wasn't falling for a girl that would never love me back.

Denying that to myself didn't work for long though. It might have, if the sex was all we had, but after a while it wasn't. She still came over and we hung out and watched movies and bitched about people – well I bitched about Aubrey and she listened even though it was her best friend – and we'd still lie in my bed or in her bed and cuddle and sometimes even fall asleep and wake up the next morning and kiss one another softly before we disappeared off to our first class of the day.

Yea, it wasn't the sex that got me. It was the fact that she was so damn perfect and everything I could possibly want behind closed doors and then in public… well in public she was Chloe, happy heterosexual Chloe that flirted with every guy that wasn't in a Treble uniform and laughed and joked with the Bella's and treated me like I was just another one of her friends, like was just Beca that she was in The Bella's with and who she occasionally agreed with on song choices.

I should have known better, known to get away from her and maybe even pursue that Jesse guy that just like all the guys from high school was following me around, but I couldn't. It wasn't as simple as that. The more wrapped up in Chloe's life I became the harder it was for me to simply cut and run. The more she came to my door with a sad expression and lonely eyes the harder it was for me to say no. The more she came with a DVD, a box of pizza and a smile the harder it was for me to cut her lose, but the more she done all this, the more she treated me like just another person that happened to be on the outskirts of her life when we were around others.

I guess finally I just snapped – told you I was a bad ass, even if I was in love.

"You can't keep doing this to me." I whispered, wrapped up in her arms, our skins feeling almost as one where it touched. "I can't keep smiling, so you can't keep doing this."

"Doing what?" She murmured in return, obviously trying to play dumb to avoid the topic.

"Please don't." I pleaded, using all my energy just to have this conversation, never mind fight for it. "When we first started doing this, and the very first time I asked why you couldn't let this become anything, it was all about you and what you wanted and what you couldn't do… you didn't once consider me in it Chloe. You didn't then and you don't now. You just tear me apart again and again and I don't know how much more of it I can take." I confessed, simply deciding to let my soul pour out before she could stop me. "I want what we have, I want this, but I want all of it. I want to be able to call you my girlfriend and I want to be about to hold your hand and hug you somewhere that isn't this room or your room. I want all of you, and as for everything else, it doesn't have to be all about you, it can be about us and I can help you, and I know you're not brave, but I'm not either, you just have to learn to be willing to take a leap into the unknown, because you're right Chloe, I won't always be there to catch you… but I am now if you're willing to jump."

Nothing was said. There was no epiphany or no screaming or no tears or kisses. There was no emotion full stop. She simply rose, picking up her discarder garments of clothing and dressing herself as she walked to the door. I let her, not having the energy anymore, not having the will to stop her as she walked out and shut the door softly behind her.

I didn't know if she'd come back, all I knew was that if she did she'd tear me apart again, and again, and there'd be nothing I'd do to stop her.

_You can take my heart like a criminal_

_So grab me by the neck and don't you ever let go,_

_Mess me up so good until I'm begging for more,_

_You tear me apart like an animal..._


End file.
